In the Beginning

I decided to start this blog as a way of coping with my anxiety and panic and hopefully chronicle my recovery. Right now the Fear seems to have the upper hand, but I am still able to hope for better times in the future.

I don't know how long I've had depression and anxiety problems. Maybe my whole life. I do know when I was first diagnosed and began medication. It was the summer of 2000. I was self employed as a painting contractor and business was not going well. It was also the summer that my grandmother passed away and there was a memorial service in Mineral Springs, California, which is in the mountains adjacent to the Redwood National Park. My grandmother's family owns a cabin there and it was a beautiful spot to pay tribute to and remember grandma. It was an informal service with chairs set up outside near the Big Rock which is the main landmark on the property. To be honest, I don't remember much else about the service or anything about that day leading up to when things suddenly and unexpectedly went very wrong.

There was an opportunity during the service to stand and say something about grandma. My wife, Airica, stood and walked to the front and began saying a few words. She paused mid sentence and said something about not feeling well all of a sudden. I ran up front to her and she collapsed against me. I laid her down on the ground and she began having a seizure and then her face turned a bright shade of blue. I remember my cousin Kelly, who is a nurse, being there and checking her pulse. She said we needed to do CPR. I was in a daze. I was frozen. I remember Kelly was there and then her boyfriend Dirk was there too and they were performing CPR on my wife. It took less than a minute and Airica regained consciousness. I thought I was going to lose her. I laid down in the dirt next to her and held her. An ambulance showed up from the Park Ranger Station to take Airica to the helipad up the road so she could be flown to Fresno Medical Center. I was distraught to learn that there was no room in the helicopter for me, so after they loaded Airica and flew off, I had to face a 3 hour drive to Fresno.

It was the longest 3 hours of my life, but when I got to the hospital, Airica was sitting up in bed and seemed fine. The only problem was, the doctors didn't know what was wrong. Airica had childhood epilepsy when she was younger, so they blamed the episode on that and sent us on our way. Even when we got home to Idaho and saw some more doctors, no one could tell us for sure what happened. It was frustrating and scary not knowing what the problem was or if it would happen again.