I'm Afraid of Drawing, Too?

I'm taking a beginning drawing class this semester. I love to draw, but I've never had any kind of training. Monday was my first class and to my horror, the professor asked us to do a drawing of three vases he had set on a table (no, the picture to the left is not mine). My drawing style has always been crazy shapes or patterns - abstract stuff. For the first time, I was being asked to draw something realistically. I was terrified. I just new that my attempt was going to be horrible and that I would be the only one who didn't know what he was doing. The professor would probably look at my work and shake his head and tell me that I didn't belong in his class. My dreams of being an artist would be dashed and I'd be forever banned from any of the local art galleries and museums. What really happened was that I managed to sketch the vases and they didn't look half bad for a beginner. There were some really good artists in the class (what are they doing in Drawing I?), but there were some other beginners who were struggling as much as me. When my drawing was completed, I felt much better until I read the syllabus. Over the course of the semester, we will have several projects to work on and the one that jumped off of the page at me was that we will be required to draw a portrait of someone we know. A portrait? Of someone I know? I'm going to have to draw a face? A real face? This should be interesting. . .

School Worries

The last time I attended a college class was probably about ten years ago. Back then, you bought your book, went to the lectures (sometimes) and took notes and you were good. Now that I am in school again, I can see that things have really changed. For my Spanish class, not only am I responsible for the lecture material and the book, but the book came with a CD ROM and there is also a website for the book that has assignments as well. Then there is another website called "Tell Me More" that has more projects and assignments. When I decided to go back to school, I knew that there would be a lot of homework, but this is serious anxiety territory. I need to make sure I stay on top of it because if I get too far behind, I'll get overwhelmed and that's when depression comes in. If that happens, I go into a tailspin of doom and give up on everything and go to bed for a few weeks. I'm not going to let that happen.

Greasing the Sociability Wheels

I've had too much to drink this weekend. Friday night was my six pack of Dead Guy Ale. Saturday was a BBQ with some people from work and Coronas. Today was another BBQ at a friends house and Corona Lights. Before both, I told myself that I was not going to drink, but I ended up having a few at each. It's too easy to fall back on alcohol when I've got some social anxiety working. It really does grease the wheels and make it easier for me to interact socially. The problem is, I always feel like crap afterward. I don't drink much. I think I had three beers each night, so I'm not overdoing it. The alcohol must not go well with my medication, because not only do I have increased anxiety after I drink, I always feel crappy the next day. I want to be able to face social situations and overcome my fears, not depend on alcohol as a crutch, but it is always so available, I don't know how to say "no".

Crazy Boards

You have got to check out the anxiety/panic/depression forums on the web. They are a great sourse of information and encouragement. It really helps put things in perspective to read about other people's problems. Regardless of what you are going through, there is probably someone going through something worse. There is something very powerful about being able to say, "At least I'm not as screwed up as that guy." If you are one of the mentally blessed who does not suffer from any of the brain afflictions, check out the forums anyway. Get educated. Don't be ignernt.
I highly recommend crazyboards.org. This forum has a slightly irreverent and . . . well. . .crazy feel to it. Check it out. Good times.
Other good forums: Anxiety Forum; Anxiety Zone

Honesty is the Best Policy. . . I think.

One of the temptations in doing a blog like this is to be less than honest to make yourself look better. But I think it is really important to be honest.
So, the truth is that I am drinking beer tonight. At least I'm drinking good beer. It's Dead Guy Ale from Rogue Brewery in Oregon. Good stuff. At ten bucks a six pack, it better be. That's one benefit of being older and more settled - you can afford good beer. I remember the old days when I was working as a house painter, I would drink two 40s of Old English 800. Sometimes I would even wait until after work to start drinking. I used to self-medicate a lot more than I do now. I was a self-employed painting contractor for three years. There was a whole lot of drinkin' going on in those days. Talk about stress! Being a business owner is not for me. I don't have the guts for it. My brother-in-law and I started this painting business together. It was his idea. I still haven't forgiven him for that.
"Hey Rob! We should start our own painting business!"
"Yeah, Andy. That's a great idea!"
If I had a time machine, I'd go back to that exact moment, step out of the time machine, and slap the crap out of myself.
For a long time it was just the two of us working painting these huge houses because we couldn't afford employees. We'd work until 2:00 a.m. trying to meet deadlines. On those nights, I'd run to McDonald's or something to get Andy and I something for dinner. Actually, I passed on the hamburgers. I stopped at 7-11 for a twelve pack and that would be my dinner. It was the only way I could see to get through those times. I've learned a lot since then. I only buy six packs now.

Fight Back. Play the GAME

Sometimes dealing with anxiety and depression can feel like a battle. A lot of times it feels like a very one-sided battle and I'm on the wrong side. How many times have I simply lain down in front of my enemy, fear, and let it pummel me? Too many times to count. But we can't do that. We have to fight back. The good news is that we have weapons at our disposal to fight back effectively. These weapons won't completely destroy our enemy. I don't know if that is possible. But they will keep him at bay and help us take back control of our lives. All we have to do is remember to play the GAME.

GAME = Gratitude, Affirmations, Meditation, Exercise. These are our weapons

Gratitude

Depression and fear can't survive long in an atmosphere of gratitude. When we remember all that we have to be grateful for, our focus changes and depression and fear slink away. I know that gratitude is not an easy weapon to pick up and use. When we are in the darkness, the last thing we feel is grateful. But pick it up we must. I challenge you to sit down and write out ten things you are grateful for. It will seem difficult at first, but the truth is you could probably make a list of a hundred or more. Make this a daily discipline. First thing in the morning, list the things that you are thankful for. When you go to bed at night, list them again.

Lifted out of depression by gratitude.

Affirmations

Affirmations have gotten a bad rap ever since Stuart Smalley first appeared on Saturday Night Live (I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me). But the truth is that affirmations are an effective weapon against depression and anxiety if used properly. Write affirmations that speak to your specific problems or fears. Make them meaningful to you. Carry them with you and meditate on them throughout the day. Don't simply read them. Think about what you have written and picture yourself in your mind performing the action that you are afraid to do. Imagine yourself out from under the black cloud of depression and carefree. Picture yourself sleeping through the night at peace. Write your affirmations from a positive point of view. Don't write "I am not afraid to go outside". Your subconscious mind will pick up on "afraid to go outside". Instead use, "I love to go outside and feel the sunshine on my face." When you first start to use affirmations, it will feel awkward. It will feel like you are telling a lie. Keep at it and over time, your mind will begin to believe all these crazy positive things you are telling it. It will change your life. If you are having a hard time thinking of some good affirmations, Google "positive affirmations" and you will get a lot of help. Here are a few of my affirmations:

I release my past and live with calm and serenity.
I enjoy being physically active and living life to the fullest!
I am successful in all that I do.
I enjoy spending time in the Fab working with the operators. . . . and gosh darn it, people like me!

Anxiety Help - Power of Affirmations

Meditation

Meditation, in my opinion, is the most powerful weapon at your disposal. With it you can literally reroute your neural network and permanently alter the physical functioning of your brain. You can change the way your mind works so that it works for you instead of against you. One very easy method of meditating is to focus on your breathing. Find a quiet spot to sit with as few distractions as possible. You can keep your eyes open or closed, whichever is most comfortable for you. If you keep them open, focus on a spot on the floor two or three feet in front of you. This will help reduce distractions. Once you are comfortable, focus on your breathing. Notice the breath filling your lungs and then air moving out. Don't try to breathe deeply or alter your breathing in any way. Just breathe as you normally would, but focus on it. You will get distracted. Your mind will wander. It is ok. Just notice that you have become distracted and go back to focusing on your breathing. You can try counting your breaths as you focus and see how high you can get before you get distracted. When you lose focus, start over at 1 and see if you can do better. Over time, the length of time you will be able to go without becoming distracted will increase. Just do this for ten minutes two or three times a day to start. It will make a big difference in your life.

If you can afford it, I recommend the meditation CDs from Centerpointe.com. They are kind of expensive, but the technology on the audio track puts your mind in a meditative state without having to worry about becoming distracted. I have used the first CD and have been very happy with the results.

Breathing Meditation Techniques and Others To Treat Anxiety

Exercise

This is a great weapon against fear and depression, but is another one that can be difficult to wield. I know my "exercise weapon" is in the back of a closet somewhere dusty and rusted from lack of use. It is all about creating a habit. Getting to the gym or going for a walk might seem like torture at first, but do it regularly and you will feel so great, you won't be able to do without it.

Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms.

I’m Scared of the Fab

I work at a manufacturing plant. We call the manufacturing floor the “Fab” (short for fabrication) and I’m scared of it. There is nothing inherently scary about the Fab itself. There are machines that do the manufacturing and the people operating the machines and the technicians fixing other machines and Engineers telling the technicians what to do. It is pretty loud in there, but that’s not why I’m scared. When it is time for me to go up on the floor, the anxiety and panic come crawling in. I think it is because I feel safe downstairs all tucked away in my cubicle. Nobody bothers me there. I don’t have to talk to anyone or look at them or have them look at me or talk to me. I can just work at my desk or stare off into space or work on my TPS reports and nothing uncomfortable or scary happens. But in the Fab, there are no cubicles to hide in. I have to talk to people. People can see what I’m doing. Maybe they’re watching me. Maybe they are watching me and thinking about how stupid I am. Maybe I’ll do something stupid in front of everyone. Maybe someone will ask me a question that I don’t know the answer to and I’ll look stupid. Maybe one of the machines will come to life and chase me down the street. Maybe the world will end as I’m on my way up to the Fab. That would be awesome!

I had a meeting with my manager on Monday to discuss how I’m doing with my anxiety and goals and such. One of the things that came up is the amount of time I spend in the Fab. He wants me to spend at least a couple of hours a day in the Fab, so that is something I’m working on. On Monday . . . Well, Monday was the day we had the meeting, so it doesn’t really count.

Hours spent in the Fab on Monday: 0

Then Tuesday. . . . The thing is on Tuesday I had a mandatory class at work that was three hours long. I mean, that took a big chunk of my day. It might be hard to find time to get in the Fab if you have a three hour class.

Hours spent in the Fab on Tuesday: 0

Today is Wednesday. Today was going to be the day. I decided that I would go into the Fab from 10:00 until noon – a good solid two hours.

At 10:00 this morning, I was supposed to be headed to the Fab.
At 10:00 this morning, I was headed out the front door to the parking lot.
I needed to run to the store for some tea.

Hours spent in the Fab on Wednesday: 0

Hey, I couldn’t very well go without my tea. Oh, and I should confess that with the tea, I also purchased two bottles of Diet Coke. Damn!

At about 9:30, when I was really thinking seriously about going to the Fab, I started to have pains in my stomach. I’m telling you that my stomach really hurt. I did have some stomach issues last week, but they seemed better over the weekend. The fact that I started having them again makes me wonder if it is caused by the Fab Fear. Great! New symptoms to go with my anxiety. All right! Good times

Weight Loss

I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about my battle with weight loss in the blog because I don’t want the topics to become too convoluted. But in thinking about it, I realized that my anxiety disorder and my weight are inexorably linked. Food is a great drug to self-medicate with. I really enjoy eating, so when I eat I get a momentary reprieve from my fear. When I overeat, I get that stuffed, tired, euphoric feeling that is like a high and I don’t get the anxiety backlash that I would from alcohol. I just have the guilt from eating like a pig. Not even going Vegan has helped me lose weight. It’s just as easy to over Vegan foods as it is others. Being Vegan isn’t all vegetables. There’s certain breads, pasta, rice . . . a lot of carbs. There’s veggie burgers, veggie chicken, soy ice cream. And it all tastes so good. It really does. Go Vegan!

Damn!

Ah crap! I had a diet soda today. Damn. . . Damn Damn Damn. . . . Crap. Oh well.

The Voices In My Head

"Rob misses work all the time. He's a jerk."
"What does Rob do all day? He's useless."
"I'm surprised he hasn't been fired by now."
Part of my anxiety disorder is that I irrationally think that people around me judge me and think badly of me. There is no evidence that people at work have negative feelings toward me. I actually get along pretty good with everyone I work with. I guess it is like paranoia. This is one way that anxiety feeds itself. I feel like people don't like me, so I withdraw and keep to myself. This causes people to perceive me as "standoffish" or they figure that I want to be left alone. I sense that they are keeping their distance and I interpret that as rejection which makes me feel that they don't like me, so I keep my distance from them, so they keep their distance from me and on and on and on. The best way I have found to overcome this is to force myself to engage with people around me, even in the smallest ways. Saying "hello" to people I pass in the hallway or "good morning" to people when I get to work can be big victories. When I have made the attempt to say hello or engage in conversation, I always get a positive response from the other person and it always makes me feel great! But it is a battle, because the next day or even the next minute, the irrational fear creeps in to tell me that these people don't like me. But over time, if I push myself to reach out to people, the fear will be less and less. At least that is what my shrink tells me. And that is what I hope for.

Monday Night

It's Monday night and I survived the day. I didn't have any diet pop or alcohol, and I stayed at work all day. That's a good day. I didn't exercise, though. Maybe tomoroow. . .

Some of my Drawings

Exercise

I need to exercise more because it will help with my anxiety. At least that's what my shrink says. It would also help with my weight problem because I'm fat. I'm a pretty handsome guy, but unfortunately, there is the fatness. Many things about being fat suck, but the one I was thinking about today is buying clothes. I go into a store and start looking around and I find a cool pair of jeans. I say to myself, "Cool. These are really cool jeans. And they have them in my size!" I won't tell you what my waist size is, but it rhymes with "Lordy". And then I find a really nice shirt. "Wow. This is a really nice shirt. The color is perfect and it goes so well with the jeans. This outfit is kickin'. I am going to look money! I find my way to the dressing rooms with the three way mirrors and I put the clothes on and my enthusiasm fades. "Oh, yeah. I forgot for a second. I'm fat. These clothes would look really good on a slim person." I still buy the clothes. I mean, I'm fat, but I still need to wear clothes. They just don't look as good as they should. They still look good, but on me it's more in a theoretical sense. It's like the only person who would think the clothes look good on me is Stephen Hawking.

It Seemed Like a Good Idea. . .

Last night over dinner, I discussed with my family what it would take to get me locked up in a psychiatric ward because this is my dream: I want to lie around in my pajamas all day in a padded room. What I came up with (I had to come up with it because my wife was not very thrilled with the topic of conversation and wasn’t helping) is that I could show up to work early and stand outside naked and throw tomatoes at people as they came into work. I would wear shoes, because walking barefoot on the concrete might hurt my feet. And socks. Of course I’d be yelling some gibberish to top it all off. I think nude tomato hurling and gibberish yelling would earn me a well deserved vacation in the state hospital. I would get my free drab-colored P.J.s and maybe even a matching robe. I wonder if they give out slippers. I’m not usually big on slippers, but those institutional linoleum floors look chilly. I would live the life. I could make some new friends and play checkers, maybe watch a little T.V. We’d want to watch the World Series, but the head nurse wouldn’t let us because she’d be a real bitch, so we would act out the game ourselves instead. That would show her. We’d have all kinds of fun. I’d teach the guys to play cards and basketball. Then, towards the end of my stay, the large Native American fellow would throw a sink through the window and escape. I’d go with him, but earlier, I’d received a frontal lobotomy and been smothered with my own pillow. . . . Hmm. Maybe the psych ward vacation is not such a good idea.
If you find this post confusing, please click this link: Explanation

Monday Morning

Hoo boy, it's Monday morning. I'm supposed to be at a daily meeting at 8:30. It's 8:25 right now. Since it takes me 20 minutes to get to work, I don't think I'm going to make it. One of the things I fight with is getting up on time. I get up and turn off the alarm and I think to myself, "Get up and get ready for work or crawl back in bed?" My bed is such a whore. It is always calling to me. Sometimes I just don't have the discipline to resist. Well, I better get going to work. Wish me luck. . .

It's Not So Funny Now. . .

Sometimes I like to draw when I'm feeling anxious. It helps take my mind off things and I get lost in what I'm doing. This is a self portrait I did on a particularly bad day.
I find that it's easy to write about my anxiety and fear over the weekend when work seems far away. But now it's Sunday night and the anxiety is starting to get intense. It's much more difficult to write about the fear when I want to ignore it and hide from it. I would run from it, but there is nowhere to go. It's everywhere I go. I have a form of agoraphobia called employagoraphobia. I'm only afraid to go outside when I'm going to work.
I have this almost phobic reaction to work because of things that have happened in the past, not things I'm afraid might happen. Past troubles, perceived failures, and past panic attacks haunt me. Things are better at work now. I am on the day shift and my manager has been supportive through my anxiety and panic issues. There is nothing to be afraid of, but still I'm afraid.

Drugs I Have Been On

Paxil
Lexapro
Wellbutrin
Lexapro and Wellbutrin
Effexor
Effexor and Wellbutrin
Ativan
Celexa
Celexa and Ativan

In the Beginning part 3

I've been medicated for depression pretty much non stop since 2000, but after I stopped taking Paxil, I didn't have any issues with anxiety or panic for almost 8 years. It started again in January of 2008. I think it was brought on by stress at work. In 2005, we transferred from Idaho to the company site in Virginia. Making a move like that is stressful enough, but I started having problems at work that I hadn't faced before. The atmosphere at the Virginia site is much more stressful that what I dealt with in Idaho and from the beginning I didn't get along with my manager. I was also started working nights which was added stress on me and the family. It was a tough time as I felt as if I was under constant stress at work and at home where I'd worry about work. But I didn't have any panic attacks - not until the beginning of 2008. To me it seemed that my psyche just said, "I've had enough and I can't take it anymore. We are going to freak out now." It was a classic panic attack. I was sitting at my desk at work. It was pretty quiet and not very many people around. The night shift has a lot fewer staff than days. My heart started pounding and I was sweating. Every fiber of my being was telling me to get the hell out of there and I had no idea why. I went out to the parking lot and sat in my car hoping I could calm down. I started crying - I was sobbing uncontrollably for about 15 minutes. I thought I was losing my mind. I managed to gain some control and drove home. After that night, I started having issues regularly ranging from anxiety to full blown panic attacks. I have missed a lot of work, but my current manager knows what my problems are and has been very understanding. I've been seeing a Psychiatrist for my medication and a Psychologist for therapy. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a while, but I'm still plagued by intense anxiety at work. My confidence has totally been shot to hell. It's almost like a phobic reaction to work. Even if I'm not having an anxiety attack, I'm afraid that going into work will cause one. Being in therapy and reading books have given me some coping skills, so I am hopeful that I will be able to get a handle on this and live a normal life.

Alcohol

Did you know that alcohol actally increases anxiety? This is a bummer for people like me with anxiety disorder who might want to self-medicate a little. I mean, what's better after a hard day at work than taking the edge off with a few adult beverages? Or what if I just want to have a few social drinks when I'm out to dinner with friends like I did last night? You definitely pay for it the next day when your anxiety is kicked up a few notches. So what am I to do? Give up alcohol? Not likely. The only answer, of course, is to keep drinking. That's why when I woke up this morning, instead of brewing some coffee, I cracked open a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Clinical studies have shown Pabst to be the best beer for temorarily relieving the symptons of anxiety disorder. You might wonder what I am going to do tomorrow when I have to go back to work. I can't very well drink all day at work (or can I)? That's something to worry about later. Right now I'm too busy enjoying the cold hoppy goodness of Pabst and the fuzzy headed sense of well-being.

In the Beginning part 2

Airica was having panic attacks and I was having acute anxiety due to her episode and because my business was quickly circling the drain. We both started taking Paxil. Such a romantic time, both of us on powerful psychotropic drugs at the same time. It was a good thing we were on meds because the fun was just starting. My business finally when kaput and in the process we lost our house. We didn't really lose it. We knew where it was the whole time. People just came and told us that we couldn't live there any more.

I started a new career at a technology company and things started going better for us. Both Airica and I stopped taking Paxil, but we were taking medication for depression.

Even though we still didn't know what caused Airica's issue while we were in California, she didn't have any more episodes and we pretty much got back to a normal life. It wasn't until years later that anxiety would become a big problem for me.

In the Beginning

I decided to start this blog as a way of coping with my anxiety and panic and hopefully chronicle my recovery. Right now the Fear seems to have the upper hand, but I am still able to hope for better times in the future.

I don't know how long I've had depression and anxiety problems. Maybe my whole life. I do know when I was first diagnosed and began medication. It was the summer of 2000. I was self employed as a painting contractor and business was not going well. It was also the summer that my grandmother passed away and there was a memorial service in Mineral Springs, California, which is in the mountains adjacent to the Redwood National Park. My grandmother's family owns a cabin there and it was a beautiful spot to pay tribute to and remember grandma. It was an informal service with chairs set up outside near the Big Rock which is the main landmark on the property. To be honest, I don't remember much else about the service or anything about that day leading up to when things suddenly and unexpectedly went very wrong.

There was an opportunity during the service to stand and say something about grandma. My wife, Airica, stood and walked to the front and began saying a few words. She paused mid sentence and said something about not feeling well all of a sudden. I ran up front to her and she collapsed against me. I laid her down on the ground and she began having a seizure and then her face turned a bright shade of blue. I remember my cousin Kelly, who is a nurse, being there and checking her pulse. She said we needed to do CPR. I was in a daze. I was frozen. I remember Kelly was there and then her boyfriend Dirk was there too and they were performing CPR on my wife. It took less than a minute and Airica regained consciousness. I thought I was going to lose her. I laid down in the dirt next to her and held her. An ambulance showed up from the Park Ranger Station to take Airica to the helipad up the road so she could be flown to Fresno Medical Center. I was distraught to learn that there was no room in the helicopter for me, so after they loaded Airica and flew off, I had to face a 3 hour drive to Fresno.

It was the longest 3 hours of my life, but when I got to the hospital, Airica was sitting up in bed and seemed fine. The only problem was, the doctors didn't know what was wrong. Airica had childhood epilepsy when she was younger, so they blamed the episode on that and sent us on our way. Even when we got home to Idaho and saw some more doctors, no one could tell us for sure what happened. It was frustrating and scary not knowing what the problem was or if it would happen again.